When Life Begins to Expand

I am pregnant.

I still can’t seem to wrap my mind around this concept, even though it's been the case for 6 months now. But when you are made to believe that something is not possible, it stands to reason that one would altogether let go of the possibility. And yet here we are.

I hadn’t intended to keep this a secret for so long, and in fact if you know me personally I have not been, but the balance of building a business from the ground up over the past two years had held my concentration so steadily that I suppose I just wasn’t quite sure how I was going to balance the roles of being a solopreneur as well as a mother, or more precisely, how the two would coexist.

I honestly didn’t see myself as a credible helpmate to the experience of motherhood as a Life Coach, simply because I wasn’t a mother.

I have spent my life as a nurturer and a caregiver in many aspects. And since I was little, I always knew that I was meant to be a mother. Needless to say, my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces over and over again each time the lines on the test read negative or my monthly cycle came again.

There is so much that we, as women, experience in the process of creating another human life, even before that human is formed. And maybe someday I will speak more to those experiences, but right now they are still too raw and jagged in my mind for me to formulate them with the precision and honesty that they require and deserve.

So for now, I will just stick to the blessing that this new life has brought into my life.

A New Year That Feels Different

Typically, the New Year would have me already planning and mapping out the trajectory of my personal and professional existence for the next calendar year. Setting goals and intentions, reviewing where I ended up, which milestones I achieved, and what foundations were laid in the year prior.

But this New Year, I can already tell, is going to be different.

I’ve spoken before about my difficulties around surrendering, but let me tell you, this child has forced me to surrender already in more ways than I ever thought possible.

The entire first trimester of this pregnancy was a whirlwind of emotions as I struggled with what I thought was the loss of my identity, only to realize that this was just another foundational brick strengthening the woman I was becoming.

What I thought was the loss of my identity was actually the expansion of it.

For weeks on end, I was caught in fears about what motherhood meant. That I had to sacrifice my entire life and livelihood to this tiny being growing and expanding within me.

But then I started having conversations with the women around me about their experiences of motherhood, and my eyes began to open to a different reality.

The Strength I Didn’t Expect

I realized how f*ing strong they all were and everything that they were capable of, not in spite of being a mother, but because of it.

 I started glimpsing these fragments of possibility of what my future could look like, and yes, it seemed to present a lot of sleepless nights, emotional rollercoaster rides, and many other postpartum struggles that we really should be talking about more openly with one another.

But the other side of that was the joy that they experienced in simple pleasures (a strong cup of coffee, a shower, or a clean shirt), the strength and fortitude they held in the face of continuous struggle, and this unwavering ability to stand up and fight for circumstances that would better their lives and the lives of others.

These stories became reminders of the woman I now have the opportunity to become.

Not only as a mother, but as a partner, daughter, sister, friend, and entrepreneur.

And I hope that all women, not just mothers, know that this strength exists inside of them. This quiet determination to build better lives for ourselves and those around us. Stronger families. Better communities.

Because women are capable of giving birth in so many ways, not only to children, but to ideas. Ideas that can be planted and grown into things powerful enough to change the world.

We give birth in more ways than one.

Becoming, Not Losing

I won’t say that this happened instantly. Not overnight. Not even over the course of a few weeks or months.

But the idea that I was losing myself slowly began to fade. And what grew in its place was surrender.

This surrender looked different.

I rested when my body asked for rest.
I became more purposeful with my actions, no longer building only for myself, but for the future of my expanding family.
I questioned everything, not obsessively, but honestly. I began consistently asking myself whether what I was doing was aligned with where I wanted to be and the life I wanted to create.

Now, in the final week of my second trimester and at the beginning of another new year, I still find myself planning and envisioning the future.

But my goals carry a different tone.

My priorities have shifted.
I offer myself more grace and more stillness than I ever would have thought possible.

The woman I am becoming still feels familiar, but when I see her now, she is not alone.

And where once there was only a shadow of my lessons and experiences, there now stands a little girl, one who happens to look a hell of a lot like me.

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